I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
