Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
