haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
