you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
