I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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