Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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