Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
