Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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