i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
