Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
