so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
