Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
