I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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