So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
