my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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