he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
