So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
