Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm too high and old for this...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
