we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
im having a threesome with these popsicles
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
