3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
