How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
