the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
