Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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