i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
