I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
