You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
