you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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