sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
