I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
