I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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