I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
