Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
