seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
