i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
