I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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