He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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