I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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