Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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