In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
do herpes really smell.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
