Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
