I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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