How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
