I cannot find my penis.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
