Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
