I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
