Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
