That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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