How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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