I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
