you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
