Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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