Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
