I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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