I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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