you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
