went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
