I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
