I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
