I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She told me I should be a condom model.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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