During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
