Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
