I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
