Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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